Patty and the Muppets: What Could Have Been

Since Patty Maloney has worked with puppets, I often thought she would have been perfectly suited for guest appearances on Sesame Street or The Muppet Show, if not both. For some reason unknown to me, she did not actually work with the Muppets. Here I speculate on what could have been, in the late 1970s and early 1980s. (Don’t you think Patty was the inspiration for the design of Vicki on The Jim Henson Hour?) Concept art is welcome!

Sesame Street
  • “K” Kitchen: Kermit the Frog asks for Patty’s help opening his locked kitchen cupboards. Patty produces a key and unlocks the cupboards. She also has a bag of groceries, from which she takes a bottle of ketchup, which Kermit places in one cupboard, as well as a kiwi fruit, a kumquat and some kale, which she places in the refrigerator. Kermit then asks Patty to open the second cupboard. She opens it, and is startled by the film of a kayaker! She turns to the camera and says, “That is kooky!”
  • Patty with Big Bird and Grover: When Big Bird talks to Patty for the first time, he cannot believe that such a small human is actually a grownup! Patty offers to prove it by showing him her driver’s license. Grover says, “You have a driver’s license? Impressive!”
  • Muffins and Monsters: Back in the kitchen, Patty has set a dozen fresh muffins on a plate, telling the viewers, “Here are all the muffins I just baked!” Suddenly, Cookie Monster appears and eats some of Patty’s muffins. While Patty shoos Cookie Monster away, another Muppet monster eats the rest of her muffins. After both monsters leave, Patty laments, “Those monsters ate all of my muffins, and now I have none!
The Muppet Show
  • The cold open has Pops idling in the Muppet Theater lobby. He hears footsteps approaching his desk, but he doesn’t see anyone! Patty has to get a fruit crate and stand on it before Pops recognizes her.
  • Kermit opens the show: “It’s The Muppet Show! With our special guest, Patty Maloney!” As the opening theme song ends, Gonzo’s trumpet makes a foghorn sound.
  • For the opening number, Patty is surrounded by a group of Muppet monsters as they sing “All I Do Is Dream of You”. (Another possibility is Patty and Thog performing “How to Handle a Woman”, but I am not familiar with that song.)
  • Gonzo says to Patty, “I understand that you are really strong.” Patty: “Yes, I can lift an elephant with one hand.” Gonzo: “Really?” Patty: “Sure. If you want me to prove it, bring me an elephant that has one hand.”
  • Backstage, Kermit says to Patty, “I know you don’t like to climb stairs, Patty, so you may use this dressing room here on the ground floor.” After she thanks Kermit, Patty opens the door. To her shock, the room is actually a janitor’s closet! Beauregard comes up to Patty and says, “Thanks! I never can get that door open!” After Beauregard leaves with his mop and bucket, Patty remarks, “I know when I’ve been insulted!”
  • In “Bear on Patrol”, Patrol Bear Fozzie arrests Patty for holding séances: “Here she is, Chief. This small medium was at large.”
  • A disgusted Patty wants to leave the Muppet Theater. She asks Fozzie, “Where is the phone? I want to call my agent! Nobody told me I would be changing clothes in a janitor’s closet!” Kermit stops her, saying, “Patty, you can’t just leave! Look, you can have a decent dressing room. I’ll even let you sing any song you want!” Patty: “Any song I want? How about ‘On the Good Ship Lollipop’?” Kermit agrees, and Patty heads for her new dressing room. After Patty comes out dressed in a sailor’s uniform, Kermit tells her that the “ship” is actually an airplane. Sighing heavily, Patty returns to her dressing room. Kermit returns to the stage and introduces Patty’s song, for which she is dressed as a flight attendant.
  • Kermit and Patty close the show. Kermit muses, “For once, my guest star doesn’t tower over me! Tune in next week, folks, for another edition of The Muppet Show!” As the closing theme ends, Statler and Waldorf crack one last joke, followed by Zoot’s saxophone making the sound of an antique automobile horn.

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