Short Ribbs Episode Summaries

Short Ribbs Barty, Maloney and Briscoe

One of Patty Maloney’s more obscure TV series was Short Ribbs, an all-dwarf sketch comedy series that ran for 13 half-hour episodes in 1989. Due to its mature humor, it was not nationally syndicated, but was broadcast over one channel in Los Angeles. Barry Conrad, the show’s director of photography, had two episodes on YouTube in 2013. His channel no longer has the episodes, but another YouTube user, “mr‌quizzical”, has re-uploaded one of Barry’s episodes, along with two half-episodes.

This is a work in progress, and it is unlikely to be complete. I have omitted Billy Barty’s cold open.

Short Ribbs Theme Song (imperfect transcription)
Sung by Billy Barty, Patty Maloney and Jimmy Briscoe

Short Ribbs! Short Ribbs! It’s a delicate dish, you see!
All newly cooked [indistinct lyrics] on your TV!

There’s politics, and sports galore!
Movie stars, and furthermore,
People who do, and people who don’t
And people who say, “Who, me? I won’t!”

[Barty solo]
People get delirious
They all think we’re serious
Life is so mysterious
So why not get delirious! Ha ha!
[end of solo]

Short Ribbs! Short Ribbs is what we’re bringing you …
[indistinct lyrics]

[Maloney] Short Ribbs!
[Barty] Short Ribbs!
[Briscoe] Short Ribbs!
[All] Short Ribbs!

Full Episode #1
  1. Billy Barty in a spoof commercial for Fad trash bags
  2. Billy as “David Hafowicz”, with Patty Maloney as “Florence Nightmare” dressed as a baby
  3. Patty as talk show host “Patita Childsize”, interviewing spoof versions of Michael Keaton and Adam West
  4. Billy and Patty in a supermarket sketch, parody of “Don’t Squeeze the Charmin” ads
  5. Commercial for Jimmy Dooley’s Truck Driving School: Patty as “Diesel Jane” does a rather good voice impression of Nancy Wible (Granny on The Harlem Globetrotters), though she gets a little too chummy with Dooley.
  6. Billy in “Getting Even! with Max Brine”
  7. Patty presents the show’s musical guests, I‌Z‌Z
  8. Billy and Patty meet Wally George
  9. Wally confronts Billy outside the dressing rooms
Partial Episode #1
  1. Billy as a sex therapist, counseling a younger man
  2. Patty as a suddenly widowed airline passenger, dealing with a couple of rude stewardesses
  3. Billy (in drag) and Patty in a parody of coffee commercials
  4. Patty as the leader of Host Busters: Instead of paranormal entities, they take down daytime TV talk show hosts. Today’s target is an expy of Geraldo Rivera.
Partial Episode #2
  1. “Bartygan’s Island”
  2. Patty sings, with piano accompaniment
  3. Billy as a drunken salad chef
Unsorted sketches
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