Short Ribbs Episode Summaries
One of Patty Maloney’s more obscure TV series was Short
Ribbs, an all-dwarf sketch comedy series that ran for 13
half-hour episodes in 1989. Due to its mature humor, it was not nationally
syndicated, but was broadcast over one channel in Los Angeles. Barry
Conrad, the show’s director of photography, had two episodes on
YouTube in 2013. His channel no longer has the episodes, but another
YouTube user, “mrquizzical”, has re-uploaded one of
Barry’s episodes, along with two half-episodes.
This is a work in progress, and it is unlikely to be complete. I have
omitted Billy Barty’s cold open.
Short Ribbs Theme Song (imperfect transcription)
Sung by Billy Barty, Patty Maloney and Jimmy Briscoe
Short Ribbs! Short Ribbs! It’s a delicate dish, you see!
All newly cooked [indistinct lyrics] on your TV!
There’s politics, and sports galore!
Movie stars, and furthermore,
People who do, and people who don’t
And people who say, “Who, me? I won’t!”
People get delirious
They all think we’re serious
Life is so mysterious
So why not get delirious! Ha ha!
[end of solo]
Short Ribbs! Short Ribbs is what we’re bringing you …
[Maloney] Short Ribbs!
[Barty] Short Ribbs!
[Briscoe] Short Ribbs!
[All] Short Ribbs!
Full Episode #1
Partial Episode #1
- Billy Barty in a spoof commercial for Fad trash bags
- Billy as “David Hafowicz”, with Patty Maloney as
“Florence Nightmare” dressed as a baby
- Patty as talk show host “Patita Childsize”, interviewing
spoof versions of Michael Keaton and Adam West
- Billy and Patty in a supermarket sketch, parody of “Don’t
Squeeze the Charmin” ads
- Commercial for Jimmy Dooley’s Truck Driving School: Patty as
“Diesel Jane” does a rather good voice impression of Nancy
Wible (Granny on The Harlem Globetrotters), though she
gets a little too chummy with Dooley.
- Billy in “Getting Even! with Max Brine”
- Patty presents the show’s musical guests, IZZ
- Billy and Patty meet Wally
- Wally confronts Billy outside the dressing rooms
Partial Episode #2
- Billy as a sex therapist, counseling a younger man
- Patty as a suddenly widowed airline passenger, dealing with a couple
of rude stewardesses
- Billy (in drag) and Patty in a parody of coffee commercials
- Patty as the leader of Host Busters: Instead of paranormal entities,
they take down daytime TV talk show hosts. Today’s target is an
expy of Geraldo Rivera.
- “Bartygan’s Island”
- Patty sings, with piano accompaniment
- Billy as a drunken salad chef
- Another “Barty as Hafowicz” sketch, involving an
average-height man and a leash
- “Superbilly”: Billy Barty parodies George Reeves’
Superman. Patty Maloney, as a Lois Lane expy, is abducted by a villain
who is a cross between Daffy Duck and that Libyan dictator whose name
nobody could spell.
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